sitre is always looking for new perspectives on intimacy and sexiness. This week we're lucky enough to share a conversation we had with sex and love coach Fanny Broholm.
Fanny shares her own personal journey, gives us insights into the tantric world of pleasure and explains why the world's idea of sexiness can be damaging for our sex lives.
Hi Fanny, thanks for talking to us. Can you tell a bit about yourself and how you started your sex and love coaching journey?
I started out dedicating myself to self-love, positive psychology and mindful eating as I lost my beloved father and struggled with recovering from a persistent eating disorder. I then transitioned into opening my heart out to the world wanting to help create an environmentally sustainable future. I studied a Master of Science in Environmental Policy and Regulation at London School of Economics, worked for the Green Party (Alternativet) in the Danish Parliament and was elected into Copenhagen City Council. I became the spokesperson for climate, nature and energy and was elected group leader of the party at the Copenhagen City Council.
I then lost my beloved mother in 2018. And after being in politics for 6 years and healing after this second great loss my soul craved healing, harmony, spirituality and love. I then dived into tantra, buddhism and taoism which completely shifted my experience of life. This led me to wanting to share this knowledge by doing a ‘Sex, Love and Relationship certification’ from the Tantric Institute of Integrated Sexuality. My mission is now to holistically coach people into their highest, most expressed and pleasurable life possible.
What does a normal day look like when working as a sex coach?
My main job is to plan my workday to be spacious and inspiring so that I have the mental capacity and clarity to be completely present and in flow with my clients. I rarely set the alarm and I spend several hours in the morning doing practices, journaling and meditating in order for me to develop high vibration emotions in my system. I have a maximum of three coaching clients a day and am working towards creating a female sexuality course that will allow me to help more people at a time.
I alway meditate, do some dancing and an energetic cycling of sexual energy before I have a coaching session so that my system is clear and excited for creating a transformative container for my client. So a normal day consists of a lot of juicy practices and deep human connection. I really love being able to do this work.
How do you think you have developed personally since you started this journey?
I started out my personal development journey being very tensed up in my body, worried, constantly having a critical inner voice and counting calories all day to stay in control of my life and numb out my emotions. I have spend more than a decade reprogramming my thoughts, connecting back into my body and releasing all the chronic tension in my body. This work has exposed me to some resources and experiences that have profoundly expanded my perception of life. I am now much more open to spirituality. Building on my science nerd background I am now very aware of the fact that there is so much more to reality than what can be proven by rigid, limited scientific methods. What is your personal drive when it comes to sex coaching?
Superficially my mission is to reduce the orgasm gap by helping all genders unleash their pleasure potential. However, working with expanding our capacity for pleasure requires us to work with all of the traumas, emotional blockages and limiting beliefs that hold us back in all areas of life. Tapping into sexual energy also has the potential to unlock so much life force energy, personal power and true liberation. So for me pleasure is the entrance point to unfolding and integrating the deepest and highest states of the human experience.
I deeply desire to see humans get awakened and empowered to live out their fullest potential while spreading the love and sharing their gifts with the world.
Do you think a sexual experience is physical, mental or both? And why?
It’s definitely both. Our body-mind connection is completely essential for us to experience and expand pleasure. When we get into an orgasmic state our mind-state shifts. We release cortical control and we experience ourselves as being one with our body and our sexual energy. If we take a tantric approach, we won’t just feel unified within but we also have the possibility of feeling like being one with our partner, with every living being and with the entire universe. This is where pleasure and spirituality meet.
You talk about how a lot people end op being distracted during sex because they’re being critical towards their own self image. How do you think that impacts people’s sex life?
Body image has a significant correlation with our ability to feel pleasure. If we are not able to get out of our heads and into our bodies, we will not experience the mind shift needed for the orgasmic sensations to arise in our system. Having low self-esteem and a bad body image is connected to being stuck in a judgemental and self-aware state of mind that keeps us preoccupied with how we look, sound, move, whether we are doing it right and whether we deep down are worthy enough. This phenomenon of looking at yourself from the outside is called spectatoring and is very common for especially women. Spectatoring leeds to a lower rate of sexual satisfaction and orgasms.
Why do you think so many don’t feel like they belong in the ‘sexy’ category?
It’s a toxic combination of patriarchy, colonialism, digitalisation and capitalism that has made the beauty ideal for especially women completely unattainable, unrealistic and very narrow in terms of diversity. These historic and cultural constructions make it impossible for the vast majority of people to fit into what society deems beautiful. Even the ones who do fit into the ideal cannot live up to the digitally alterated beauty on SoMe and in magazines. So no one wins besides the companies who profits off of our insecurities.
sitre is here to redefine sexiness to make it feel more real and honest. How do you think media’s image of intimacy have impacted everyone’s sex life?
Oh a lot! Like beauty ideals there are media ideals for how sex should look and feel. Porn is unfortunately the primary source of sexual education for most of us. In porn, sex is portrayed as this high friction, hardcore and performatively orgasmic experience that is pretty much only catering to the male sexual fantasies and needs. It’s a complete distortion of what sexual intimacy should be for most women in order for them to relax into pleasure through safety, connection and slowness.
Also the way sex i portrayed in American movies make it seem like simultaneous orgasm from penetrative sex is the norm. It’s NOT. Only 20 percent of women are able to reliably orgasm from penetrative sex. We need to take our power back and redefine our unique sexual expression to what feels good and true for us and our own bodies.
Do you think there’s still taboos attached to sex and intimacy? If so, why?
YES. As I mentioned above there are ideals for both beauty and sexual expression that are almost impossible to live up to. And every time we believe we are not living up to these standards we judge ourselves and believe it is unsafe to share our true selves - and voila - a sexual taboo is reenforced. This could be that we judge how our vulva looks, that we fake orgasms, that we pretend we like something or that we dont share our deeply held sexual fantasies. Practicing exploring what you actually like and communicating this with your sexual partner is what creates sexual liberation.
And finally: do you have three tips you can give someone to make themselves feel sexy?
One of my favourite practices is mirror work. Looking at your naked body in the mirror while gently beginning to notice and voice the things you appreciate about yourself and your physical form. Your soft skin, the colour of your eyes, your strong thighs - it could be the smallest things. And after doing this practice for some time beginning to flirt with yourself in the mirror as well. Blowing yourself a kiss, winking at yourself or the like.
Secondly, I would recommend a sensual shower or bath where you let the water caress your skin while relaxing into your body and then massaging yourself lovingly and sensually with oil or cream afterwards. This can make you feel very sexy from the inside out.
Lastly, I find that so many women do not allow themselves to wear the clothes and accessories that they deep down desire to wear. They don’t want to be perceived as either being too much or too sloppy. So a practice for feeling authentically sexy is everyday tuning into what you truly desire to wear and then picking at least one thing a day to authentically express your unique flavour of sexiness.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughtful perspective and deeply interesting story. You can follow Fanny on Instagram @fannybroholm.
Please share with anyone who would love this article - because the more we talk, the closer we get to a more honest, real and inclusive take on sexiness.
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